15 March

I’ve been in this city for months, and I still feel invisible.

I have never wanted attention before, not really. But these days, I walk from university building to university building, pass the same people in the streets and in the halls, follow the same deadening routine every day … and I just want someone to notice me, remember me, say hello.

I guess it’s a lot to ask.

I’m still wearing my engagement ring sometimes. I know I shouldn’t, and I guess I would be ashamed if anyone in this place knew me. But they don’t, so I’m free to do as I like. I am so lonely for David now. It’s taken me this long to admit that it’s worse now than it was in Canada. There, I was reminded of him everywhere. But here, I am so alone—I am totally alone. And David was my best friend for so many years. It’s hard not to miss him. And my father … who I am reminded of around every corner here. It makes me wonder why I came back. Maybe being here is the only thing I can do to feel close to him. To understand why he chose to do what he did.

I’ve found myself buried in the stacks at the library so often, more than I need to be studying I suppose, just to find something to keep my mind busy. The internet does that too, of course. I’ve been reading some about exoplanets lately, and daydreaming about possible intelligent life in other solar systems. There’s something comforting about imagining life on other planets, out there in what seems like the vast emptiness of space.

I have lost so much in the past two years, I almost don’t know how I’m still functioning every day. Maybe a doctor would say I’m depressed. I do feel depressed sometimes. But I have a strong feeling, deep down, that somehow my life will come to something. Eventually I will be noticed.